I’ve always wondered why I push those away who love me the most. Or why when things start going well, I take pleasure in creating just enough sabotage to keep people at a comfortable distance. I used to think it was because I was damaged goods. I used to think it was because I was an evil person at my core. Recently, though, I’ve come to a different conclusion… That even within the context of my own flawed character, I’m still trying to do the right thing by isolating myself from others, because in doing so I protect them from the ugliness of me.
Perhaps, in pushing people away, I keep them from falling from grace. Perhaps, in keeping them as far as I’m comfortable with, I save them from the disillusionment of my humanness. I know I’m not a bad person. Of course, I’ve sinned but deep down I want what’s best for the world and those around me… and perhaps I’ve found that I am not it. Issue is, I’m human too, a social creature with consciousness and life, so I can’t help but want to build with those I love. However when things get too real, I flake. It’s what I do best. Probably got that from my Dad, he’s great at that shit. (got to LOVE those family dynamics)
See, I want to be better than that which I am but it’s harder than it seems. I’ve been let down enough by people, who like me, made empty promises forgetting they were flawed. Now I’m a lone wolf, but the world doesn’t need anymore of us, it needs unity and coalition. So maybe the lesson in all of this is that my role is to use my loneliness as a tool for social change, somehow. That I should finally either understand if this persona is a defense mechanism or just a genuine representation of who I am meant to be.
… stay tuned