From the outside looking in, I know this all seems great, right? It must be amazing to live vicariously through the idea of my tantalizing sexcacpades with multiple lovers and think I’m living the life, but the truth is it’s not all fun and games when you’re free-spirited yet bound by love.
I’ve been coping with this internal conflict for a while now. As you can imagine, telling two people that you love both them and someone else isn’t easy, ESPECIALLY not when you’re a woman living within a culture that tries to limit your love to monogamy. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered to tell them about one another in the first place, I know it’d been easier to just keep quiet…But I had to honor my truth and them both as extensions of my divinity and men that I genuinely love. I’m fortunate that they still love me, but the wounds are still great because I feel as though they don’t love me with the same vigor. As if coming to terms with who I REALLY am (a serial polyamorist) developed this deep dissatisfaction within them, which I understand but hate to admit to myself.
I still feel deep-seeded shame but, all in all, I accept myself and love who I have the courage to be. Looking back, I was honestly never the “relationship type.” I went thorough countless monogamous relationships that were all relatively unsuccessful. Of course, there was love and kinship, but there wasn’t ever much long-lasting fidelity on my part. A lot of my past relationships I felt forced to get into based on ultimatums, guilt and empty promises. I was faithful until I got bored and/or resentful, which turned into dating, sexting, messing and sleeping with other men.
I wasn’t proud of myself, on the other hand I spent a lot of time crying after, but I never stopped because I felt justified in my deceit. In my young eyes, I had never lied to anyone about who I was, I never told anyone monogamy was my strong-suit. I kept excusing my miscreant behavior with bullshit rhetoric of that nature, until karma bit me in the ass. My last attempt at a “relationship” was in 2014, with someone I met in college whom I was very smitten by. I decided that my relationship with him would be my “first real relationship,” where I would vow to fight my temptations and remain faithful… Until he played me and the aftermath of it all sent me on a journey of spiritual realignment so intense that I’ll have to discuss it in a later post to truly do it justice. After that experience, I felt God was trying to tell me that monogamy just wasn’t for me and that I should be serious about trying polyamory. Since then I have and it hasn’t been perfect, but it feels amazing to be who I am. The thing is, I know my desires can change at any moment, as we are all always evolving. I do not expect to always be polyamorous, but I’m only 23 years old and I currently have no interest in committing to anyone but myself and my aspirations. If that makes me “selfish,” so be it. It is what it is.
This post is for all my fellow serial polyamorists, LOVE AND HONOR YOURSELF. Of course, sometimes it’s unconventional to love more than one person at the same time, but as long as you are honest about your intentions and desires from the beginning, the universe will reward your courage.