I’m in such a deep healing space right now, so I’ve been writing intimately a lot more than usual (journaling and poetry), sharing a lot of oral anecdotes and spending time nourishing my spirit in nature. I’ve been dreaming through my healing with a broken heart after ending a two-year relationship with someone I presumed would become my husband and father of my future children. See, when you break up with someone you legitimately envisioned your future with, the pain simply hits different. Your reflections are a lot deeper, your starting over feels a lot more complicated and your heart is numb on an entirely different level. I’ve completely shifted my paradigm; from where I live to how I think and believe to what plans I’m making moving forward. The hardest part of it all was thinking I had it all figured out, thinking I could calculate my future and it would work out perfectly. I was planning for a life as a Mrs. that didn’t come to fruition and my heart is torn not only because I (feel) lost in love but because I honestly (feel like I) failed myself hard!
It’s honestly a wonder that I’ve had the energy I’ve had thus far to even get myself here and now because the way this lesson is feeling is much heavier than I ever imagined. See they tell you SO much about love yet they don’t tell you as much about loss. They don’t tell you how much it will hurt and how long the hurt lasts. They don’t tell you that vultures will insensitively reach out to you, hoping you’re vulnerable enough to waste your time with their false prophesies. They don’t tell you how alone it’ll feel because no one has the adequate compassion to hold you through it. They don’t tell you that you lose your lover and friend all in one, so the loss is doubly excruciating. They don’t tell you that you will be constantly triggered by sounds, glances, words and repetitive thoughts about the past. They don’t tell you that you’ll lose sleep, wondering if you made the right decision. They don’t tell you that people expect you to be over it as soon as possible because they’re unwilling to sit with your discomfort enough for you to heal. They don’t tell you all this tough shit perhaps because you’re meant to figure these lessons out on your own.
I could never call myself a foolish woman because Lord knows my intentions were to water a plant in hopes that it would bloom and provide the relationship with fruit. But I neglected watering myself and that’s where I fucked up the most. I saw myself as full enough to water someone else and still have enough for myself. In the end, I had expectations for the results and when those expectations weren’t met, my disappointment was unbearable. I saw the woman I would have become if I had stayed. I foreshadowed my resentment, my (amplified) anger, my projection of disappointment based on a relationship with someone who was never sorry and never wrong. So I packed my bags and left. I chose the path less traveled.
And still… I believe in love. Crazy, but I do. See when I was a little girl, a seed was planted deep inside my soul and as it grew so did my desire for the love of a lifetime. One that would rival only the most epic of romances. Secretly, I watched love movies, read romance novels and listened to love ballads and watered my seed with impressions of the love I knew I was worthy of. I imagined the love of my life sweeping me off of my feet with the simplest of intentions, with the gentlest of touches, the sweetest of words and the boldest of actions. I imagined myself getting chills every time we locked eyes and exchanged thoughts without having to exchange words. I imagined a love blessed by the Gods because they knew I was a woman of virtue that merited nothing less than the best. I’M A LIBRA FOR GOD’S SAKE! WE RULE PARTNERSHIP. And even if this time around I wasn’t fully met halfway, I wear my heart on my sleeve regardless. Next time around, I won’t be met halfway, I will be meet fully or not at all. PERIOD.
In the meantime I’ve been loving on MYSELF much more deeply, dedicating the love I felt I never adequately received back to Me. Going on sweet nature walks, dedicating love songs to myself, playing with my own hair, laughing with and at myself, reading some great literature and amplifying my selfceare regimen. Was it odd at first? Yes. Has it been worth it? Absolutely! I’ve had the opportunity to show myself the beauty of my simplicity. I’ve truly fallen more in love with who I am not only as a person but as a woman! I’ve seen first hand just how easy loving me is when I make it a priority. Sometimes I do wish I had someone to love me with me. Sometimes I do wish He could have loved me with me much more fully, but I can’t live in the possibility of what could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been anymore. I have so much to offer the world and myself that I refuse to get caught up in the sorrow. Do I cry every now and then? Of course. Do I stay in the pain? No! If I’ve learned anything in this healing period, it’s the power of allowing and then releasing as a tool to deal with the ebbs and flows that come with moving on. I’m not going to pretend that I’m all good but I’m also not going to let my emotions hold me prisoner. In light of seeing this as positively as possible, I’m choosing to think of this awakening experience as my rebirth and resurrection. I chose ME because I felt no one else was and even if it caused me pain, I’m investing back into my joy in order to reap the long term rewards of my efforts; an unconditional and true LOVE of my life.